Ryan is a 23 year old substitute teacher with a degree in history from New College of Florida. As much as he enjoys the high-intensity world of the substitute, he plans on obtaining a doctorate in American history and penning a book or three before going on to rule the world. He was born in Dade City, Florida, and was raised in West Palm Beach and Royal Palm Beach. He faced all the challenges of the private Christian school known as the King's Academy with aplomb before escaping in his junior year to graduate with honors from Wellington High School. His dog, Tresy, is devoted to him to the point of mauling anyone else who comes near him.

Ryan enjoys selecting and collecting Hawaiian shirts, the care and maintenance and artistry of Converse hi-tops, reading almost every book ever printed since Gutenberg, watching and criticizing and vicariously living professional wrestling, making witty comments at movies, eviscerating popular culture, formulating increasingly ornate conspiracy theories, slaughtering a wide variety of villains in a number of video games, freaking the mundanes, summoning the goblins, gathering the water, and dancing with wolves.

He knows how many times and in what contexts Dr. Colossos has appeared on "The Simpsons", he can deliver a flawless Tazzmission, he speaks fluent pig Latin, and he is suspected to be Kaiser Soze.